


strangled at dawn

by burnsidesjulia



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, How Do I Tag, Incredibly Self-Indulgent, Light Angst, POV First Person, Pining, oops all dialogue, rating is for swearing and mention of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-07 08:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21455410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burnsidesjulia/pseuds/burnsidesjulia
Summary: a collection of the messages barry leaves to himself on the gold coin
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup
Comments: 15
Kudos: 66
Collections: nice fics





	strangled at dawn

**Author's Note:**

> title cred to the poem "the obligation to be happy" by linda pastan

Your name is Barry Bluejeans. You are afraid of the dark. Your very favorite thing in the world is swimming in very cold water on a very hot day. You get ill when you drink milk or anything with milk in it. Your father Greggor died when you were too young to know him. Your mother, Marleana, had soft gray hair when you were born, and was the most wonderful woman who ever lived.

You remember them but you have forgotten so much. And right now, in this moment, you feel a dull weight in your chest. It’s the weight of a love that defined and redeemed you but you’ve forgotten who that weight belongs to. Barry, I’m you, just moments ago and I remember who that weight belongs to, and I can help you remember it too.

-

Your name is Sildar Hallwinter. You are not afraid of anything. In your life, you killed unimaginable things with your bare hands and hardly flinched. You are a fighter. You are a protector. You work for whatever you get offered, you hear me? Anything. If it gets you close to that cave, or any of the glassings, you gotta be willing to do _anything_.

Anything else I need to tell you? Ehh, not much of a personal life. If you break your glasses, there’s extras in the bottom drawer of the desk. Uh, spit gets blood out of denim. I dunno if that’s something you’ve forgotten or not. Y’know, it’s kinda funny, how you learned that. It was a bunch of years ago and it was you and your wife-

Oh. Yeah. Your wife.

She’s, ah- she’s the best woman you’ve had the privilege of knowing. The story I was telling’s not all that important by the way, forget it, just… you gotta know how great she is, alright? She’s got a smile that could light a room on fire, and a laugh that could create sparks outta nothing. Heh. I guess a lot of fire stuff, huh? Well, she does like fire. But you grow to like it, too. Y’know, you could even say you love it. You love everything about her, after all. Her brother might tease you, but he loves you too. You know that, though. And you can already feel it in your soul, how deep you love her. You love her so much, Sildar, and you gotta understand this next part: she loves you back. That’s all that matters, okay? She loves you.

You’ll never meet her, Sildar. Not unless you’re luckier than me.

-

I don’t got a lot of time here, okay? You gotta trust me. Your name is Barry Bluejeans, you’re afraid of the dark, lactose intolerance- _fuck_, that’s a lot of blood- okay, cuttin’ to the chase. There’s, there’s all these notes in here with you, yeah? Read ‘em. Put your glasses on first, sometimes you forget that, but read ‘em no matter what. Some of ‘em won’t make sense and it’s gonna hurt your head pretty bad but you gotta trust me, keep reading. There’s enough stuff there to make sense of and you’re smart, you’ll figure it out. Gods, Barry, you _gotta_ figure it out. This sleuthing shit is so much harder without a human body. Wait, that ain’t gonna make sense to you… fuck it, whatever. I don’t care. I’m headin’ back right now, I gotta get the fuck outta here. Hey, Barry, word of advice? Don’t kill people. Not even on accident, if you can help it. It sucks and it makes a terrible mess. Heh, we always hated collateral damage, yeah? But in my defense, in _our_ defense, he… I thought his umbrella… If there was any chance at all. I would do anything, Barry. You gotta be willing to do the same.

Ignore me. I’m gonna leave an address and a name on a piece of paper right by the tank. Write an apology letter if you’ve got the time.

-

Your name is Barry Bluejeans. Your mother was great, your father is dust. It doesn’t matter anymore. You didn’t know how to swim until a close friend taught you how, but now it’s one of your favorite things to do. You gave your heart to someone a long long time ago, and now she’s nothing but a memory at best. A shower of static falling from a radio. She’s untouchable. She’s probably dead. It really, truly doesn’t matter anymore. 

You’re playing a very dangerous game. You know that, right Barry? You know that. There’s not a lot I can tell you that isn’t already woven in your soul.

You gotta keep fighting. I won’t lie to you, it’s gonna suck. It’s gonna be terrible and you’re gonna be so lonely it aches. Your life is arguably better during the years when you’re dead. But this isn’t about you.

-

Your name is Barry Bluejeans. You have a big, happy family that loves and cares about you. You all lived together a long time ago, and those were your best years. You grew and became better because of their love. It _defines_ you, Barry, how deeply and truly you love L- oh, uh. How much you love… this woman. And her brother, too, Ta- uh. Her brother. Uhm… Dav- I mean, your boss is... Your… I…

Ah, jeez. Gods. I gotta stop crying.

-

Your name is Barry Bluejeans. There’s a cookbook on the table next to this tank, and I’m gonna need you to read it. I bought it in town last time around the ol’, uh, body block. I was gonna read it then, but things got… I didn’t get around to it. I’d just do it now but, hey, turns out, I have trouble reading in this form. My brain just goes elsewhere. I _gotta_ know what’s in there, Barry. I think it’s just recipes, no personal stuff from what I can tell, but there’s a chance. There’s a chance it says where he is, or how to get to him. If it tells you how to reach him, drop everything and do it. I’m serious. He’s not gonna know you and you’re not gonna know him, but… Gods. Barry, I _gotta_ know.

If you’re like me, it’s gonna make you cry when you see his face on the dust jacket. He just… he looks so different now, huh? He changed his hair.

Don’t worry about the crying too much, by the way. It’s normal. Besides, you deserve to be able to cry about it.

-

Your name is Barry Bluejeans. Have you ever seen something beautiful destroy itself for no reason? A snake eating its own tail? A bumblebee drowning in honey? A man who's seen the universe end a hundred times but winds up too helpless to even remember his own name?

Yeah. You’ll understand eventually.

-

Your name is Barry Bluejeans. You are a necromancer and your best friends are named Lup, Lucretia, Magnus, Merle, Davenport, and Taako. You worked aboard a ship called the Starblaster on which you fought against a supreme evil you call the Hunger. You’ve evaded this Hunger enough times that you feel invincible, don’t you? Well, good news. Good _fucking_ news, Barry, because you _are_ immortal. You might lose your human form but as long as you keep your cool and don’t devolve into a ball of red lightning, you’re good! How do you avoid turning into red lightning, you ask? Oh, easy, you just turn over to Lup, because your mutual love is what keeps you sane! 

What’s that? Oh- oh, _oh, silly_ fucking _me_, she’s not there, is she? And she’s probably not coming back. You’re- I’m delusional, aren’t I? I’ve been looking for years. If she’s alive she’s moving on and if she’s dead, she would’ve come to find me. Or… or she wouldn’t. If she- _fuck_\- if she d-decided it was too… or, gods, if someone _hurt_ her… It doesn’t fucking matter, huh? She’s just _gone_. There isn’t even a fucking point in getting into this goddamn tank. I’m gonna come out naked and _stupid_ and I’d be- fucking, I’d be _happier_ if I just tried to forget. Y’know Magnus is in Raven’s Roost? I read a newspaper, something about a big revolution. He’s _married_. Can you believe that? He’s just a fucking kid. And he looked so goddamn happy. That’s the kicker, though, that’s the thing. He looked stupid and ignorant and _happy_ like that, living a normal life. He managed to fall in love here. Would that make me happy? If I just, just threw this stupid coin thing off a mountain and hopped in my body and tried to live? Is that living to you, Barry?

He’s thirty, Barry. He’s fucking- he’s not a _kid_. I gotta- I can’t keep living in the past. Everyone is moving on. I should just move on too, right? 

What the fuck am I talking about? And why am I asking you? You’re dumber than I am. You aren’t even- you can’t hear me. It’s just static to you, whenever I try to say anything that’s actually important.

I dunno, Barry. Honestly. Clearly, you’ve got some shit to work through in this life. You’ve got regrets, just like anybody else. You lost her. You lost all of them. You’ve gotta live with that, and they don’t.

That’s the worst part, isn’t it? They don’t even know they’re missing anything.

-

She’s gonna kill me. Heh... it’s quite a hairstyle. Y’know, it almost looks good like that, just floatin’ about in the tank. I’ll just have to remind myself to cut it, before I find her. She never liked it long. Just long enough to run her fingers through it. I had it longer like that in college… I don’t even know if I told her that. I guess I can’t… remember.

...Huh. 

Well. I guess I’ll have to tell her later. When I see her again. What’s that song she used to sing? From one of the earlier years. It had that great bass in it, some… whatever, she was always better at talking about music. I just remember her voice, all soft and light. She always sang when she cooked. I loved that.

_I would do anything, I would go anywhere… hmhmhm, hmm hm hmm... if I could have her back to stay…_

...

Huh, weird. Guess I left this thing recording.

**Author's Note:**

> ohohoh… at last. i’ve been writing and re-writing drafts of this since january 2018! it has seen many forms and many angrily deleted paragraphs. i'm finally happy with it… hopefully, you were too.
> 
> the song barry sings to himself in the end is “just to see her again” by smokey robinson. It’s something which was played pretty frequently on my childhood car rides and it fits in such a hearbreaking way.
> 
> thank you for reading! i entered my first official semester of college in august, hence the no posts in several month. hopefully this is my return. i’ve got so many half-finished things in so many places, and i’m hoping i start finishing them slowly. maybe i’ll finally write a holiday fic! maybe i'll write about the graduation boys!
> 
> kudos comments and bookmarks make me smile real big. i'm on tumblr @burnsidesjulia, and have a good freakin day folks


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